I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Randomize
