Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
