I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
