why didn't you poke me back
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
