Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
