So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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