"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
