Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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