I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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