I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
