see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
it hurts more in the daytime
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
