dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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