I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
