I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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