careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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