Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
