My underwear smells like fireworks.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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