Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
