On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
