I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
