I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
