Where did you get a picture of my penis
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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