as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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