they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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