how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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