Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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