So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
