omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
