i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
