i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
