I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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