did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
