I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
