see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Small penises have feelings too.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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