I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Randomize
