it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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