He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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