I can't watch pbs sober anymore
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
