I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
