Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I think i got beer on your cat.
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