whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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