Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
