I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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