Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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