i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
