Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
