apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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