Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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