my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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