you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
