i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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