I can't watch pbs sober anymore
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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