I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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