I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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