I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
