I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
