Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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